Wednesday, November 1, 2017

finding the light.


For this week, I have a special post. It's a short true story ending with something exciting! // at least I think it is.

I started this blog out of curiosity and at that time, I had no interest in writing anything at all. The essays at school had bored me up, I thought writing something meant just filling up pages with random sentences that somehow relate the topic. Although I loved reading, I never thought I would be writing something on my own someday. 

I know that sounds funny now. 

When I was introduced to the world of creative writing, it was then I discovered its power. I pictured my mother telling me stories and me wondering where she gets them from. Flashbacks, a paper, and a pen in my hand. I tried to write and I did. But I never felt I was good enough to post on that particular blog. I was insecure and thought people on the internet would judge me. And I wasn't wrong. 

Once, I happened to share a picture of my hand holding a chemical reaction at the lab. I was in the 11th grade at that particular moment. I knew that I shouldn't be posting a lot of things on the internet. But I felt like posting it because I used to ruin the laboratory reactions. They would never go well, something would always go wrong. But that day, It was the first time I did something well; I felt good about it and surprised that I actually did it. Although the precipitate looked amazing, it wasn't special for me for its appearance but for the feeling, that I experienced after not making mistakes on a day made me want to add it to my Instagram feed. I had nothing on my mind, I just felt like posting it because why not? It is special for me & I want it on my feed. That's it. Nothing else. But things didn't go well.

Yes, we're the internet kids, we need captions. We need powerful, not-related-to-the-picture, deep, and those-quotes-that-make-us-look-cool, captions. I still admit that I'm not cool, and I won't ever try to be cool. That's way out of my lists-to-be anyway. And me, the uncool girl, ended up writing "I can't believe I made this." // Because I actually couldn't.

The second I posted that, there were comments. 

I can't really figure out if I was too dumb or extra super dumb for not getting what those comments actually meant initially. There was one, "Oh you made those, we made these. Now tell me how cool is that" and 4/5 pictures were attached. I thought the person was just trying to share and I replied in a friendly tone. Then there were more comments. More people, more friends, and I started realizing that they took me as a "show-off-person" than a loser who had openly admitted that she can't believe she has finally made something. 

I know that this sounds like a tiny matter, nothing much. But for me, at that time, it felt horrible. Those people, my friends, they know me as a person and when I share something on the internet, I'm no less than a show-off kid and (okay, this part, I really find it funny now that I think of it) what was I even showing off? An easy chemical reaction that I finally did it right? 

The sad thing about this is, it always haunted me. I started to over think. After that, I never liked posting things about myself. I felt like this world doesn't even deserve to know what is important to me and I don't even care if they get to know about it. And about my writings. Forget it. I almost even gave up the idea of writing. 

But then came the time I lost my grandmother. // I won't be elaborating more on this because I think we're too far away from reaching the main reason why I'm posting this blog today.

I was tangled within negativity and grieving. At that point, I don't know why and how I wrote something for her and posted it. I didn't know at that time, but now that I look back, those dark times was when I found the light to rise again. 

It has not been so long since I've taken my blog seriously. And I know that I don't post on a regular basis. But I don't know, there is this strange kind of a feeling that plays swiftly with my emotions. Posting here feels good to me whether it's a post a month or more I don't know but that really matters to me. I feel like I'm trapped now. And there's no going back to being that curious girl who disliked writing. 

There are some things that we can't undo in life and for me, it has been this attachment with the letters and spaces. This blog has been more comfortable than my bed that I refuse to let go every morning. And it is my only escape from everything that haunts me to sleep. This is my space and the ones who come here have put an effort to be here and read till this line because they want to. I've given up Facebook statues, I still feel like I'm not confident when I try to type there. But when I'm here, I feel like I'm in my pajamas and just talking to myself. // chillingggg!

Today, I'm here to share that I finally claimed a space on the internet. I know that this isn't a big deal but for me, it is a promise I've made to myself. It's about me being serious about this blog // sort of an engagement. Wooo! ( A girl talking about marrying her blog? ... *silence* )

I hope to find your presence here.
And now that Mozaic Aura is just a dotcome away, I hope you'll surely do! ^^

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue


About a week ago, my handsome friend Yugant asked me, Why do I write blogs? Because I want to be heard?

That made me think. I don't know. I started with nothing. I went on with nothing. But I started developing emotions. I don't know if I want to be heard, I think I'm not even loud enough. But I just like doing it. I've come to realize that this is the moment where I know that I'm in love with what I do then I should not hesitate to accept it and polish it further. I don't know what the day after today will bring but at this moment, I'm honest with myself and whoever comes in between. And I think I'm not afraid anymore. 

I was involved in various activities that would help build my confidence but I never thought writing a blog and falling in love with it would be the only one that would actually work for me.

Thanks to Yugant, I happened to realize things about myself. Dhanyabaad, YG! ^^

^ BTW that "handsome" is not sarcastic.  

-------------------------------------------------

List of Gratitude

Before I end this, I want to thank you for reading this particular line. Yep, this is for you!

This "Thank you" is for Suv didi for inspiring me to register my blog and letting me come out of "should-I-register-after-50-posts" anxiety. 

This HUGE Thank you belongs to Jenish bro for surviving all the technical errors (yep! this was supposed to happen a week ago) & making this possible although he had exams popping on his priority list. Thank you so much!

And this special "Thank you" is for my friends. They're the only people who used to read my blog and tolerate my lame jokes // especially Anish & Baivab for being there since the start. I can't express the "feels" I get when I link you up with my "new post" before sending it to anyone. 


8 comments:

  1. Yaaay!I can totally understand with your last thank you. I always let Maya and Shank read first before anyone else :D And keep it coming :) <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Another reason why I qualify for Little Suv xD

      Delete
  2. Now I get it why you're always late for class :P Keep up the good work. It's fun reading your blogs :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, thank you so much for reading, Eroj! So glad. (:

      Delete
  3. From nothing to an emotional writer..Being a sensitive person,gradually opening the different folder of emotions..An inspiration for the newcomers..Keep the good work.👍

    ReplyDelete
  4. Very cute baini. Very cute. And the music is perfect.
    The best part is your lame jokes. Now I can't get them out of my brain. They are now etched in my subconsciousness like a virus. The doctor showed me an MRI of the damage done to my brain by your jokes. He says the damage is, "irrevocable". I fear the worst joke is still coming...

    hehe just joking. Keep unfolding yourself. Your blog is beautiful in its innocence.
    Guess Who I am. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Thank you so much, dai! ^^
      Hahaha finally there's someone who prefers my lame jokes. xD
      hmm... Is this Samyak dai? (because: Caesar?) I'm really sorry if it isn't.
      Please correct me if I'm wrong. (T^T)

      Delete