Wednesday, October 11, 2017

the coffee's shop | part i

a step closer and it ends here today,
the story that kept me awake for months.



everything feels heavy; my eyes soaked with tears, escalating heartbeats, and hands full of white tulips. Is this really over? I've been asking this to myself over and over since I got a call this morning. The fact that we've come this far still surprises me. I'm not in a mood to chuckle remembering our first meet but the flashbacks keep coming with each pace that takes me to him. Fear had and has me circled both during our first and last meets. Just the difference is, I was frightened when I first saw him and now, I'm scared to lose the same being.

*     *    *


7 months ago,


28 minutes, and she is still not here. I don't think she will be able to make it here on such a rainy weather. I knew we could have met some other d-

"Ma'am,  your macchiato caldo" 

"Oh, Thank you!"

"Do you need anything else?"

"Umm ... not anything for a while. Thank you!"

I don't know why but I'm getting anxious. Maybe I'm not ready for this session. 
Should I just text her to meet some other day? 



oh, she seems to be here soon. 
Now I can't even head back home.

I was at the corner of the cafe waiting for my psychiatrist to come.

Tortured by sleepless nights, feeling of loneliness, and the pressure to do something in my life, I felt hopeless of my mental recovery without a professional help. I used to get more anxious over tiny things and would repeat the same mistakes again & again expecting new results. I no longer longed to meet new people or hop into adventures. I was boring.

Anyone and anything seemed doubtful. I was petrified. Weeks of nightmares and silent cries had torn me apart from what I used to be before. Sometimes I wondered I no longer wanted to live but I wanted to fight back. I need to do something.

And that day, it felt like I was actually trying because something did turn up. Something amazing. 

"Hey! I'm so sorry. Something showed up right before I was about to leave."

"It's fine. No worries."

"So how have you been doing?"

"..."

"I understand how hard it has been for you to live alone after everything. It's not your fault... You need to let go of it."

"... I have been trying to but there's nothing I can do. I can't forgive myself for what has happened."


Guilt. 

If there's something in this world that can kill a living person, it's the guilt that they hold inside of themselves.

I lived with my Uncle, Aunt, and their child. My parents decided to leave me at my Uncle's when I was four. They went for a business trip and never looked back. I was happily living with my Uncle until I was responsible for the loss. I used to take my cousin for swimming every Saturday. But the day I lost everything was when I took my cousin to swim on a Friday evening this summer. The pool was silent but I thought the lifesavers were in the office.

Now that I recall the scene, I was there screaming with tears for help watching my cousin get drowned in the pool. I couldn't swim and find help on time but when I did, it was only used to get the body out of the water.

Two days.

Two days and I left my Uncle's house one night. I could no longer stay in the place where I was being loved regardless everything I did, or maybe anything that I couldn't do. I didn't deserve what was right in front of me. Maybe I didn't even deserve what I got all these years. And I knew, I had to let them get freed from my intoxicating vibes. I couldn't escape from myself but I could try to let others escape from me.

"Are you listening?"

"Uh- I'm sorry?"

"He said there's a ball under our table, can you pick it up?"

"Oh, sure.  Please wait."


I'm forever thankful to the blue ball that rested under our table. It steered my life into a new direction, I would have never imagined.

"Here. There you go."

"Thank you!"

"Whose ball is it though?"

"Oh, it belongs to him."

I was scared when I saw him, I knew I was.
But it did feel good too.



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Thank you for reading! ^ ^

In case you get confused, those blue texts are conversations from 7 months ago and the black texts are the narration. Hope this helps! (:

See you on the next update.

update // read part ii

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| about the series |


fiction

Ever since a kid, I always thought my mother owned a magic pencil and knew how to give life to the tales she recited. Before I was aware of the cartoons, there were characters from my mother's stories that played a vital role in my childhood. 

Those tiny glimpses of past held together to constantly push me to jump off the cliff, and believe that there are endless possibilities of surviving that crazy jump. When I realized the magic of those tales, I couldn't wait to create my own characters and bring them to life. 

I wanted readers to experience a blend of emotions along this fictional journey. And I do my optimum to make this happen. 

Thanks for dropping by! Hope you'll enjoy this series.

read more on this series at Fiction.

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