Friday, April 28, 2017

S E L F I S H




I am selfish. 

Although it's not morning when I start my day, I try to wake you up multiple times in the morning cause you had asked me last night. 

I think I'm fine being ignored by you even when you're sleeping.

When you are getting scolded at the dining table, I'm sorry that I had to take my face off your eyes. 

Cause right at my left leg, there's something stapled and I bent down to unhook it; It's a label. 

And it says, "SELFISH!"

I am selfish. 

You never call me. 

And please don't tell me that you don't have my number. I have stuck 4 sticky notes in your table that all ends with my phone number. But you never call. 

Finally, when you dial my 10-digits, I'm almost home. You ask me to bring you something for which I walk back few meters and end up apologizing you for not finding it. 

Right after I hang up the phone, my back hurts. I drop down my backpack, pull up my left sleeves, and send my left hand to unhook the stapler that had just pierced the back of my chest few inches down my neck. 

It's another label that read, "SELFISH!"  

I am selfish. 

When I am not feeling well and we are alone at home tonight, I shouldn't have asked you for anything. 

You're not Mamu. You're not her to get me a cup of hot water. I understand that the thought of heating water to 100-degree Celsius might have made you feel lazy. 

With a disappointed tone, I tell you I'm fine with what I have. I deny for further help. 

All I wanted was to stay alone and wait until Mamu comes. But you have a stapler in your mouth. 

And I'm already stapled by enough pins to bleed tears to sleep. 

Sharing the same womb doesn't mean that you will understand my feelings. 

I fear to talk to you. 

It only takes you a word out of my mouth to judge me before I express myself. 

I'm aware of the truth that you will never read this. But these lines are not intended for you. These are for me.

Just for myself to feel light, to let go your heavy labels. 

Cause I'm nothing but selfish.


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